Liverpool Marina Bar & Grill

liverpool-marina-barDING DING DING DING!!! Forks down! It’s over! It’s all over! The worst venue for breakfast in the whole of Merseyside has been found!

With miserable staff, terrible service and sub-par brek this means that it’s going to be near impossible to find a venue that has scored lower than the Liverpool Marina Bar & Grill. Surrounded by a fucking moat, it’s even a pain in the arse to get in.

Grill Scoff Herring – Is Kirk not here yacht?

“Toast is becoming more about an endurance test for the staff than qualz in anything else. This is a good thing, a Bant Hill of 17 hungry U+2642’s descended upon the Marina club for a record attendance. We’re entering the Golden Years of Toast. 

The Brek
It was a solid FE no fuss or frills, just a well made (Black Pud was a little undercooked) well presented bunch of ingredients (WPBOG). The Hash brown was the winner, crispy and tasty. A fair sausage.

The Bant
The sounds from the table signified high spirits all round and the subject matter in my circle included Clarence Boddicker’s Speed Toast idea, What comes first Numbers or Letters? Seaburger’s detachable thumb, Johnny Concrete’s Friday Dog House, Plodatron 9000’s callous and me not liking Paintball on account of me being Pj from Pj & Duncan. Jungle Trouble’s only good reason for emigrating is a larger prawn size.

Quip of the day for me came from Onnamadone’s comment on the Egg Lottery I’ll mention in a sec: “the chef’s brain must be scrambled.” Like the breakfast itself, no fuss, honest and crispy.

All in all I felt safely deposited inside the warm pouch of a fully mature adult Banteroo

Venue 
Beautiful location which was made even better by a winter defying balmy day. 

Service
As stated above the consistent high numbers suggest we are in the golden age of Toast…just before the setting that burns it and then you have to scrape it off into the bin (Why did that last sentence give me a semi?)…and venues are going to have to receive a certain amount of leeway from us when it comes to speed of service. That said, the service today, was not just shockingly slow; I had to leave as the last breakfasts arrived. It was also clumsy; Egg Lotto was bizarre with Jester being the only man at the table with random scrambled egg and Concrete not getting one at all at first. Plodatron 9000 was denied toast for no reason and there was a halloumi and mushroom debacle spoken in Vegetarian down the other end which I didn’t really understand. This all pointed for me towards a flapping chef well out of his depth. 

Most annoying about the service for me however, was that it was lacking in any kind of occasion. I’m not a snob…actually I am a snob…but for me, service is about being personal and speaking to the customer differently to how you would speak to your mate or family. It’s about making you feel welcome. There’s clearly been no customer service training at this venue, which ends up with you leaving with the feeling that your visit was an imposition to the staff. 

With that location and the good quality breakfast, it could have been a a decent toast, but the “not arsed” service brings my score right down. 

Flive/10 < letters before numbers. Do One, Jungle.”

Ab Fab

“If I had to describe today’s toast in two words it would be ‘short changed’. No I am not referring to company or bants that were as high class as ever, worth the painful early start by itself, nor am I accusing a certain bite-sized semi-Scot for doing me over when paying. The breakfast though, now that is another story. 

I’m sure many people will give mention to the harassed staff, and the breakfast menu that appeared to be more you-get-what-you’re-given than an actual menu, so I’ll save time by not and rush straight into the meat of this review: the vegetarian breakfast. 

I have had some pretty sub-par veggie meals before (including just a cabbage) but there was something so pathetic by the half empty plate set before me. One rubbery fried egg, one hashbrown, two burnt veggie sausages, some beans. No halloumi (even though they definitely had some) and no mushrooms. At least there was humor to the cabbage. 

I would give it 2/10 but the free coffee (which was actually pretty nice) and the banter moves the Yacht club to a just below the water-line 4/10″

Clarence Boddicker – Liverpool Marina Bar and Grrss 

A. Got there at 10 and it was 10:40 before my coffee was chucked at me. 

2. Banter world class with lots of laughter to warm the cockles of yer art. 

iii. Breakfast was well priced at a fiver and It was worth a fiver no more no less. 

iv. The waitress did smile I saw her having bants with a waiter laughing joking and everything but couldn’t raise a smile for a nice little earner for her gaffer. This made me feel like more of a pain in the arse than a payin punter. 

Flive. With the Toaster numbers growing greater I suggest the 15 minute seat swap should be trailed at the next Toast. 

Bit of a sinking ship 5/10 points deducted for lack of effort.”

Jungle Trouble – Gloria Estabants: Egggate

“Brek – Standard nothing special. Asked for my usual sans bacon & beans in favour of an extra egg and sausage but only got the extra sausage. In saying that the breakfast was more than adequate and certainly worth a fiver.

Bants – Flive, Numbers before letters, Kirk sleeping in, deciding he wouldn’t make it in time only to find out he would have made it with time to spare. That was my favourite bit. Fuck Kirk off.

Bustomer Bervice – In a word, shocking. Felt like the girl had a shit on with us because we were bringing her restaurant business. Yes, I know there was 17 of us and the chef probably had a fit trying to cook all those breks but I expect to be asked if I want another coffee at least one time. The best moment was when I thought we’d got her to quit but then she came back, equally as sullen. Oh, speaking of the coffee it took forever to arrive. But not as long as FTP & Skod’s breakfast, but I’ll let them tell that story.

Miserable staff didn’t put a downer on what was a ruddy good Toast with plenty of class A bants.

Toast 1 > Toast A. – 5/10″

FTP –

“2014’s toasts had started so well and with a democratic vote for the yacht club I though we would be in for more of the same. Unfortunately as good as the toast group is this was in my view a poor choice and a poor toast. I simply could not recommend it to one of the worlds breakfast fraternity. 

Firstly, location, it’s nowhere near Brunswick train station. In fact it’s nowhere near anything. I spent 25 minutes phoning people and generally walking up and down the road trying to find the place on googlemaps. 

Thankfully I was found wondering the streets by my fellow toasters and given a lift to the venue. I could have accepted these location limitations if the service and breakfast made up for it.

Unfortunately, to say the service and breakfast was average would be doing a disservice to all the other average breakfasts I’ve ever had. 

A pregnant women has had faster periods then the time it took for me and Skod to get fed. The waiter let every patron of the establishment view our breakfasts before delivering them to us by which time all our fellow toasters had finished. Though the lack of enthusiasm was a good indicator of what I could expect.

The breakfast once inspected by the masses wasn’t worth the wait. Under cooked sausages, cheap bacon, toast that tasted and looked like it had been toasted at least twice, and tinned tomato of the worst kind. 

I wouldn’t say the service was bad, but it just seemed to give the impression of “you’re not from round here you’re not coming back so fuck you”. Well darling I am one step above trip advisor when it comes to breakfasts. People are going to read this and not go to the yacht club. So fuck you!

The banter was quality as you would expect from such a big turnout but that’s a given and can’t compensate for eveything else.

If this toast was a man Utd team it would be the 2014 team. A massive disappointment. 4/10″

Onnamadone –

“First toast of 2014 for me and a delightful turnout, everything started off so well with a beautiful crisp morning buoyed by the thought of lining the stomach for a day in the pub with a sailor’s sustenance. After taking a mini detour to pickup an irish damsel in distress rocking up to the place first impressons were very good and glancing at the board to see the price for FE + tea/coffee all for a very reasonable 4.95 made my gammy eye twitch with glee…

The waitress was a damp squid, after high quality servicing and eye candy at previous recent toasts this one failed to deliver on both fronts. Service with a smile this was yacht! After waiting what seemed like an age and playing the egg lottery (mine did have one which was a bonus) the breakfast to be fair did the job for me apart from the bland bacon which could have been trimmed better. After finishing before a couple of my fellow toasters had even received their breakfast was unacceptable and to see the rookie waiter walk around every table (and even outside) before finally succumbing to the fact that 2 of the toast brigade had not even had their FE was frankly poor form. Great bants and a good setting saves this toast from a below average score..this one scrambles a 6/10 for me.”

Box of Frogs – Where to start

“Venue – On what was a beautiful winters morning there’s no better place than being close to the docks with the pleasant aroma of the Mersey in the air… In all seriousness this is one of the most picturesque venues that on a first look has the potential to be a real go to place for a breakfast in Liverpool… Sadly it did not live up to the initial hype…

Food – In my opinion it was a dismal breakfast… Whilst the egg lottery was highly amusing its like going to McDonalds and getting two fillets of fish in your big mac, poor form from the chef… If spotty teenagers can correctly serve up quarter pounders and big macs then you should at least be able to serve up eggs properly… The sausages were offal central, and I only ate them cause I was so hungry and I didn’t want to look like a girl like Johnny Concrete did and leave two sausages on my plate…. I had considered hiding them in a napkin and taking them to the toilet or feeding them to the seagles… The bacon was ok and the egg a little undercooked… I decided against the black pudding as it looked like it belonged in the Ice Hockey in Sochi… The one shining light to come out of the breakfast was the beans… I don’t normally like beans in a full English but the fact that they were segregated in their own mini bowl made me want to eat them…. One of my biggest pet hates with full English breakfast is when the chefs slop on a load of beans and the rest of the breakfast is ruined by bean juice… So well done on the Bean segregation… Might start a new campaign… Apartheid for beans… APARTHEINZ

Service – I could write an essay on how poor it was… But I’ll keep it short and simple… When there is a table full of 17 lads all with empty coffees and orange juices… ASK THEM IF THEY WANT ANOTHER F&^KING DRINK… You make the most profit on drinks so in the end it is only you who is losing out… Plus once the food was served no waitress came back and they all seemed to disappear so there was no one to even ask for further drinks… The lateness of Skod and FTPs wasn’t nothing short of comical

Bants – An excellent turn out, with top top lads, need I say more

Rating – Would have been a 2… But I’ll give you 3.5 for APARTHEINZ”

Plodatron 9000 –

“So…where to begin? As a member of the service industry I know the heart dropping feeling you get when a crowd of 6 or more people come unto an eating establishment. However it can be combatted with a bit of banter and an acknowledgement of it being a bit of a challenge. It puts the table on your side and allows a little leeway if there’s any cockups.

Putting on a face and grimacing through the entire ordeal does not endear one to a table full of bearded and unbearded hunksof chap.

Having actually helped carry out some cappuccinos that no one had ordered I was given a gimlet eye by our server that bordered on dunney esque proportions of gosseyness. But I digress. Service was terrible, cold, and unwelcoming.
Breakfast was at least warm…a bit.

When my FE+halloumi arrived it was bereft of toasted bread, odd considering all my fellow toastees had theirs. Sausages were ok, bacon nice, beans standard, black pud too underdone, halloumi had seen a picture of a hot surface, egg actually decent, and the tinned toms were slopped on with little care.

I know serving 17 people at one time is a mare of a time but I had seen at least 3 chefs come and go out of the kitchen, one of whom I saw pointing furiously at us through the fish tank. Breakfast should be a piece of proverbial for three fully trained chefs, if its not, you’re not chefs.

Bants were shipshaped and Bristol fashioned. 

3.5/10 should be made to walk the plank!”

Seaburger – Where’s My Fungus?

“This was probably the most standard FE that I’ve had at Toast. Nothing remarkable, nothing terrible. The ‘item lottery’ was probably the most interesting part of it, which isn’t saying much. I’d never choose a fried egg if there are options, so was disappointed when Jester got served up some scrambled without even asking. The bacon & sausages were decent but the rest was as basic as they come. The staff couldn’t be arsed with any of it, I could even see them moaning in the back room. It was good value though, but that doesn’t excuse the service. Great Toast regardless though, top bantz and top turnout although this did mean I missed out on some premium Ladz. Poach me sideways, it’s a 5/10.”

Wolf –

“Well shiver me timbers, if this wasn’t a lily-livered attempt at brekkie. The staff appeared as if they’d rather walk the plank than serve 17 fine figures of men. Fair enough it’s a big order, but we’d booked for a dozen so they should’ve been steeled for a busy morning, and when we’re all ordering basically the same thing it shouldn’t be that hard. So take this review from the angle that they don’t seem used to that sort of inundation of lids, and they seemed quite upset about it too. Never got offered a fresh coffee once I’d drained mine, which was a shame.

The food was bang average. Not bad, but not great. My fried eggs were perfect, and I do like beans being segregated in their own ramekin. Although that was spoiled by having cooked plum tomatoes on the plate so instead of bean juice you just got tomato juice everywhere. The bacon and sausage were fine, the black pudding also average, packet fare. One day I’ll find a place that does proper job black pudding with all oatmeal and big lumps of fat in, and that’ll be the day I stop going anywhere else for brekkie. The hashie was similarly of the ‘buy a big bag of frozen doorstops from costco’ variety.

The bants were excellent as always, the boys were in good spirits on a sunny winter’s day. 

So if you’re using the boating facilities on offer and want something to fill your belly before a day on the high seas/Brunswick Dock then go for it, it’s perfectly good, basic fare, and to be fair priced as such. But if you want something a bit special there are plenty of eateries further up the list.

A landlubbing 5/10.”

Terry Snatchett – Oh No Yacht Didn’t!

“Brekkie was bog standard stuff but with 2 bacon, 2 sausage, black & hash with the fried egg*, toast and beans at £4.95 with a cappuccino, it was pretty good value. (*= actual ingredients may vary)

However, the actual food seemed to take a backseat at this toast. 

Menu – “What do you need one of those for?” 
Drinks – “You’ve had one, what more do you want?” 
Eggs – “If you’re lucky! “
Swaps – “You don’t even know what’s on there!’ 
All the lads have finished and I haven’t got mine – “I know, I’m just seeing if the whole of Liverpool wants it before I give it to you.”

I thought there was nothing wrong with my breakfast, per se. It seemed it was another example of an establishment just getting by with its location or setting. I don’t think any of us would recommend the Yacht Club or the Marina Bar & Grill or whatever it’s called and I don’t think they would be arsed if we never went back. I don’t know what their clientele or target market is but I don’t think it’s 17 hot ladz.

Middle of the road/river – 5/10

I had a ball. Proving Toast is not just about the breakfast.”

Jester Fortune – Hello Bouys.

“After 17 mostly bearded folk arrived at what they thought was a yacht club- turned out to be the Marina club house

Got the impression the staff may have been slightly annoyed that 5 stowaways had joined us.Fair enough a table this size one would expect it to be a challenge.
First of all – lack of menus. Chalk board on the wall hinted at several items for a fiver. No idea what these items would be but I soon discovered they operate a lottery system here. 

Usual FE for me and when it arrived 40 minutes later it looked decent; the egg gods decided I would have scrambled and not fried and they were tasty. My sausages were nice, bacon a tad over done. Standard catering black pudding and hash brown and heinz beanz. For a fiver including a latte I couldn’t fault it.

Service was so so, no complaints and I don’t recall too many mistakes considering a party our size.

Bants included: traditional sweets shops, shops, enforced fornication shops and the mysterious world of corrupt councillors.

Venue was ok and might have been a better choice for the summer.

6.5/10 for me with extra point for value.”

Texas Free-Ranger – “There is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of man.” 

“Thar She Blows!!! Our service looking positively fuming at us having the audacity to go for breakfast at their aquatic themed establishment. I understand the difficulty of a large group and the problems associated with it, but for us land lubbers a wink and the gun will usually suffice. It seems odd to be annoyed at the presence of customers, especially ones as ruggedly handsome as this. 

Our “White Whale” for this intrepid band of breakfast adventurers turned out to be that of a menu. I always have a Full English anyway, but in the various establishments we go to it is always good to know what you are getting, especially if you want more or less of anything.

When it arrived it was what can only be described as OK. Neither here nor there, but probably more there than here. 

Call me Ishmael

4/10″

Johnny Concrete – Liverpool Meh-rina Bar and Grill.

“Oh what to say about this rudderless plaice! I mean of course there were 17 real hot guys enjoying text book bantz and each others facial hair. It was great see Onnamadone and Skod make an appearance after many months overboard and yes, the venue itself was rather cromulent. Also, feeling a little bit sheepish after an evening and morning spent firmly in the dog house, toast lifted me like a spatula lifts an egg easily off a plate (more on that).

On slightly late arrival, my request for Latte and OJ was dealt with well. The poor lass was scurrying around a bit but it’s Saturday morning and the buoys are in! Orders were then taken, I had assumed that a menu had been presented and the incremental breakfast menu on the wall made no sense so a little flustered, I ordered the FE (with egg).

Encouragingly breakie began to arrive, people tucked in. A few grumbles about the toast (remember Siren, mother may I) but all seemed well. My brekbrek arrived sans egg, odd given the very clear presence of various eggs on others plates. I made the waitress aware and then for some bizarre reason she removed my full breakfast! Ah….I reasoned she must be a perfeggionist! This proved not to be the case.

The sausages were rank, the black pudding almost raw and the toast was some kind of bizarre texture. Maybe the chef has perfected triple cooked chips and thought he could do toast in the same way…..well mate, if you’re reading this…..you bloody can’t. Turn it in.

The absolute comical display as the waiter with zero banter or facial expressions tried to offer the last 2 breakfasts to anyone with a nautical mile except FTP and Skod topped it off.

I have to say breakie wise, the worst toast I have been to. A 3 out of 10″

Overall – 4.6/10

Final Thoughts – Fucking hell… The lowest scoring Toast venue we’ve ever had. Liverpool Marina Bar & Grill you should be utterly ashamed of yourselves. Let’s hope next month is better. Much, much better.